During your teen years, you will
have many kinds of relationships, both friendships and those that are dating
relationships. Most of the time, these are fun, exciting, and healthy, and they
make you feel good. Sometimes, however, these relationships can be unhealthy
and can be harmful either to you or other people involved. Unhealthy
relationships can be risky because someone can get hurt emotionally or
physically.
What is a healthy relationship?
In healthy relationships, you and
your friend or the person you're dating feel good about yourselves and about
each other. You do activities together such as going to movies, or hanging out
with other friends, and you talk to one another about your feelings. These
relationships can last a few weeks, a few months, or even many years. Healthy
relationships should be fun for both people involved.
Communication is the most important
thing in relationships. It forms the basis for respect and honesty and means
that you listen to each other's thoughts and opinions, and accept each other's
right to say no or to change your mind. In a healthy relationship, both
partners are comfortable letting the other person know how they are feeling.
You might disagree or argue sometimes, but in healthy relationships you should
be able to talk things out together to reach a compromise that works for you
both. Here is an example of good communication in a healthy relationship:
"If a friend or the person I'm
dating gets mad if I hang out with other people, what should I do?"
Be honest and stick to your
decision. Tell your friend or partner that you like spending time with him or
her, but that you also want to spend time with other friends and family.
Whether you are in a close friendship or a dating relationship, it is important
for both of you to stay involved with the activities and interests you enjoyed
before you became close. In a healthy relationship, you both need time to hang
out with other friends, as well as time for yourselves. In a healthy
relationship, your friend or partner will respect your choice to spend time
with other friends.
Sometimes a relationship can start
out as healthy and become unhealthy over time. If you have a feeling that your
relationship is unhealthy because you feel afraid, or pressured to do something
that you don't want to do, you are probably right!
Not all unhealthy relationships are
physically abusive. For example, other types of unhealthy relationships may be
verbally, or emotionally abusive they can Abuse can involve both people being
violent or abusive toward each other, or can involve only one person doing this
to the other. It's important to understand that not all abuse is physical or
violent. Take a look at this list of "warning signs" and see if these
statements describe your relationship:
Your friend or the person you're dating:
Is jealous or possessive of you-he or she gets angry when you talk or
hang out with other friends, or people of the opposite sex and/or becomes
jealous of the contacts you have with other people on social networks
Tries to boss or bully you, or tries to make all the decision or tells
you what to do
Tells you what or what not to wear, who you can or can't talk to, where
you can or can't go
Is violent with other people, gets in fights a lot, loses his/her temper
a lot
Pressures you to have sex, or to do something sexual that you don't want
to do
Uses drugs and/or alcohol and tries to pressure you into doing the same
thing
Swears at you, or uses mean language
Blames you for his or her problems, or tells you that it's your fault
that he or she hurt you
Insults you or tries to embarrass you in front of other people
Physically hurts you
Makes you feel scared of their reactions to things, feeling like you're
"walking on eggshells" and worrying that anything could set them off
Calls or texts to check up on you all the time and always wants to know
where you're going and who you're with
These are just a few of the classic
signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Sometimes there are only one or
two "warning signs", and sometimes there are many. If any of these
statements are true for your relationship, you should talk to a trusted adult
such as a parent, guardian, teacher, doctor, nurse, or counselor right away!
What are some types of abuse?
Some people think that their
relationship isn't abusive unless there is physical fighting, but an abusive
relationship may include many other signs. There are also other types of abuse.
Below is a list of different types
of abuse which can affect your friendships or dating relationships:
Physical Abuse is when a person touches your body in an unwanted or
violent way. This may include hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, hair
pulling, pushing, biting, choking, or using a weapon on you. The weapon could
be a gun or knife, but also includes anything that can hurt you (such as a shoe
or a stick).
Verbal/Emotional Abuse is when a person says something or does something
that makes you afraid or feel bad about yourself. This may include: bullying,
yelling, name-calling, saying mean things about your family and friends, embarrassing
you on purpose, telling you what you can and can't do, or threatening to hurt
you or themselves. Blaming you for their problems, verbally pressuring you to
use drugs or alcohol, or keeping you from spending time with your friends and
family are all abuse.
Sexual Abuse is any sexual contact that you do not want. You may have
said no or may be unable to say no because the abuser has threatened you or
prevented you from saying no. This may include forcing you to have sex, or
unwanted touching or kissing.
Why are some people abusive?
There are many reasons why someone
could be violent or abusive. For example, a person who has grown up in a
violent family may have learned that hitting or trying to control someone by
telling them what to do was the way to solve a problem (which it is not!). They
may be violent because they want to control the relationship, or because they
feel bad about themselves and think they will feel better if they make someone
else feel worse. Others may be pressured by their friends to prove how
"strong" they are. Other times, people have trouble controlling their
anger. No matter what their past experiences have been or what they have gone
through, its never OK to abuse another person.
Drugs and alcohol can also play a
part in abusive behavior. There are some people who lose control and act
abusively after they have been drinking or taking drugs. This is no excuse!
Just because someone is under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, or has a
bad temper doesn't mean that their abusive behavior is okay. No matter why a
person is violent physically, verbally/emotionally, or sexually, it's important
for you to know that it is not your fault! You are NOT the reason for the
violence, and violence is NEVER okay!
Here are some frequently asked
questions about healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationships:
Why do some people stay in unhealthy
or abusive relationships?
If a relationship is so bad, then
why would someone stay in it? Why don't they just stop spending time with their
friend, or stop seeing the person they're dating? Sometimes it may be hard to
get out of an abusive relationship. This is because violent relationships often
go in cycles. After a person is violent, he or she may apologize and promise
never to hurt you again, and even say that they will work on the relationship.
It may be a while before that person acts violently again. These ups and downs
can make it hard to leave a relationship. Sometimes people do not leave
relationships because their partner has threatened them and made it clear that
if they were to leave they would get hurt.
It's hard to leave someone you care
about. You may be scared or ashamed to admit that you are in an abusive
relationship, or you may be simply scared to be alone. You may be afraid that
no one will believe you, or that your friend or partner will hurt you more if
you tell someone. Whatever the reasons, leaving an unhealthy relationship is
hard but something you must do to take care of yourself. You will likely need
help to do it.
Why should I leave an abusive relationship?
Abusive relationships are very
unhealthy for you. You might have trouble sleeping, or have headaches or
stomach aches. You might feel depressed, sad, anxious, or nervous. You may have
difficulty focusing during school or when you're with your friends. You may
also blame yourself, feel guilty, and have trouble trusting other people in
your life. You may feel nervous most of the time, worrying that something may
set your friend or partner off. Staying in an abusive relationship can hurt
your self-confidence and make it hard for you to believe in yourself. If you
are being physically abused, you can be the victim of injuries that could cause
permanent damage. You should definitely leave the relationship if you are
getting hurt, if you have bruises or pain, or if you are being threatened with
physical harm in any way.
Remember that the most important
reason to leave an unhealthy relationship is because you deserve to be in a
relationship that is healthy and fun. You deserve to feel good about yourself.
How do I get out of an unhealthy or
abusive relationship?
First, if you think that you are in
an unhealthy relationship, you should talk to a trusted adult. Tell them why
you think the relationship is unhealthy and exactly what the other person has
done (hit you, pressured you to have sex, tried to control you). You may want
to look back at the list of "warning signs" to help you to explain
the situation. If necessary, this trusted person can help you contact your
parent(s)/guardian(s), counselors, school security, or even the police. With
help, you can get out of an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes leaving an
abusive relationship can be dangerous, so it's very important for you to make a
safety plan.
Here are some tips on making your
safety plan:
Tell a trusted adult such as a parent/guardian, counselor, health care
provider, teacher, or spiritual leader.
Tell the person who is abusing you that you do not want to see him or
her, or break up with this person over the phone so they cannot touch you. Do
this when your parent(s) or guardian(s) are at home so you know you will be
safe in your house.
Go to your health care provider or hospital for treatment if you have
been injured.
Keep track of any violence. A diary is a good way to keep track of the
date the violence happened, where you were, exactly what the person did, and
exactly what effects it caused (for example - bruises). This will be important
if you need the police to issue a restraining order.
Avoid contact with the person.
Spend time with your other friends. Walk with them and not by yourself.
Think of safe places to go in case of an emergency, such as a police
station, or even a public place such as a restaurant or mall.
Carry a cell phone, phone card, or money for a call in case you need to
call for help. You should decide on the code words to use with your family so
that they will know that you can't talk easily and you need help.
Call 911 right away if you're ever afraid that someone is person is
following you or is going to hurt you.
Keep domestic violence hotline numbers in your wallet or another secure
place, or store them into your cell phone.
What should I do if a friend tells
me that he or she is in an abusive relationship?
If your friend tells you that he/she
is in an abusive relationship, listen very carefully. It's important that you
listen without judging or blaming. Tell your friend that you believe what they
are saying, and that you know that it is not their fault. Let them know that
you are always there when they want to talk. Remind them of all their friends
and family who care about them and want them to be safe. Let them know that you
are worried about their safety, and that you want to help them tell a trusted
adult right away. In fact, you can offer to go with them. Give them information
on how to make a safety plan and phone numbers of counselors and domestic
violence hotlines. You may even want to suggest that your friend take a
self-defense class. Be sure not to take this on alone. Talk with a trusted
adult about how to help your friend.
Should I have my friend talk to
their parent(s)/guardian(s) or another adult?
Yes. The most important thing that
you can do for your friend is to encourage them to talk to a trusted adult
right away. This could be a parent, guardian, coach, teacher, school counselor,
health care provider, or spiritual leader. Tell your friend that you will go
with them to talk about their abusive relationship. Explain to them that
talking to a trusted adult can help them get the assistance they need to get
out of the unhealthy relationship.
If your friend is nervous about
going to talk to an adult, here are some things you could remind him/her of:
An adult will listen and give advice on how to handle the situation.
An adult can help protect them if they feel that they are in danger.
An adult can help contact the right people, such as the police, the
school principal, or a counselor.
What if my friend won't listen to me
and wants to keep the abuse a secret?
If you encourage your friend to talk
to a trusted adult about the abuse, but they want to keep it a secret, you can
also tell an adult. It's too much for you to handle alone. Even though you want
to keep your friend's secret, it is important for you to tell a trusted adult
especially if you're afraid that your friend could get hurt, or if you are
worried that they won't tell anyone. Your friend will need help even if they
say that they can handle it alone.
Don't tell your friend to choose
between you and the person they are dating. This could make your friend feel
that they can't talk to you if they decide to stay in the relationship. Also,
don't spread your friend's secrets to others. Let him/her be the one to tell
other trusted friends.
What else do I need to know?
At least 1 in 10 teens experience
physical violence in their relationships. Even if you haven't experienced
physical, sexual, or verbal/emotional abuse, one of your friends may be in an
unhealthy relationship with a friend or dating partner. If either you or your
friend is in an unhealthy relationship, it's important that you get help right
away before someone gets hurt! Relationships are an important part of life and
are supposed to be fun and special.
Who can I call for help?
There are hotlines that you can call
24 hours a day to get help and advice on how to leave an unhealthy
relationship. There may be some local resources in your community (including
battered women's shelters) or through your church, school, or health care providers
office that you can call.
Here
are some toll-free hotlines you can call:
- loveisrespect.org/National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474
- The Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-HIT-HOME (448-4663)
- The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Written and reviewed by the CYWH
Staff at Boston Children's Hospital
Source: youngwomenshealth.org
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